Ra.One, F1 & the Behenji Saga

Well even though most of us think life is precious and we shouldn't be wasting a moment of it, we ended up watching Ra.One. And now we all agree that it has taken racism & grossness to another level.

It's not just SRK's cosmetically spoilt nose and his worsening acting skills that we had to bear this time. We realised they've sunk to the lowest levels of vulgarity by naming three Chinese females Iski Lee, Uski Lee & Sabki Lee .... that too in a kids' game!!!! ... MOST pathetic!!!

No wonder SRK spammed channels during prime time all this while to sell us this dump which he knew was high quality crap.

But this isn't enough. SRK disappointed me on another count as well. I was waiting for him to turn up at my flat to do my toilets to get me Ra.One'ised. I waited, I waited & I waited. But no sign of him. However I later heard he was busy giving back massages to porcupines to sell Ra.One. No wonder he ended up with his dreams punctured.

Anyway, but Ra.One did get me on my toes. I'm busy finding out who suggested that irritating cockroach haircut for SRK's kid. No, I won't kill him. He doesn't deserve that yet. He'll connect me with the hairstylist and then Ram Gopal Verma ki kasam I'll see to it that they work with him for his next movie which will probably be based on Bhanwari Devi's vanishing act.

And that reminds me, Ekta Kapoor is making a film based on Bigg Boss 5. The name of the film: "Chikni Chudailon Ka Honeymoon"

Anyway, coming back to the real world, even as Ra.One was driving hard to crash into the viewers' psyche, along came F1 which was an instant hit thanks to Her Highness behenji Mayawati for agreeing to honour us with her esteemed presence. It was her charm that could pull the likes of Mr Bean, Lady Gaga & Schumi to our humble Buddh International Circuit.

I have a new found regard for her after she let the F1 authorities go ahead with the winner's trophy they designed and not forcing them to give away a statue of herself as the trophy. Thank you, thank you so much behenji!

And what more! Behenji managed to impress the F1 winner, Sebastian Vettel, to his formulated core. Immediately after receiving the trophy from Her Highness, Vettel told the media, "Aapka ladki bohot sunda hai" (he meant Your women are very beautiful).

Behenji maybe the next F1 ambassador. Kick your ass 'sunda ladki'!

What's the Confusion?

“Ah! the Guy...”
“Nah! the Lady...”
“It’s the Guy...something ...I forget!!! I know, I’ve seen this face. Yeah! I got it!! It’s Bob Geldof. No, wait. I guess it’s Prince. No! God! Who is it?”
“Ok you won’t get this one. Let me help you. It’s Lady Gaga.”
“No. I don’t believe this!!!”

Lady Gaga in her male avatar

Well it is Lady Gaga sporting thick side locks, smoking away at the Edge of Glory. So after all the raw meat dresses, telephones on head and horns on face, our Lady of the Poker Face has got the world officially confused this time. She has posed as her male alter ego Jo Caldron on the cover of her latest album You and I. So the world’s wondering if she’s a female or male.

Check out the telephone headgear

Now I say it’s just hype. A celeb gossip site, Bump Shack had reported way back in 2009 about her hermaphrodite status. Then what’s with all the hoopla I don’t understand. We have better things to get confused about. Like I’m confused about whether Fair & Lovely really makes people fair and lovely. From what I’m told, Kajol never used it. So that leaves me confused about her fairness without Fair & Lovely. Never mind. That’s fair enough. No woman reveals the secret of her beauty and appeal.

But some women aren’t coy about sharing these secrets. Like the Pak’s foreign minister Hina Rabbani Khar’s secret was her blue dupatta, the huge Hermes Birkin bag, Robert Cavalli shades and much more. Yet she left us confused. We still wonder whether she was here to talk peace or to walk the ramp. And to top it all she went back confused about the identity of our reporters. She thought they were the paparazzi while they all reported pure politics. She should have known that the paparazzi in India were busy elsewhere that time around.

Our very own Lady of the Three Hundred Pieces aka Maria Susairaj and her convicted fiance kept them busy. The lady herself had been set free to fly the blue skies. Earlier they had thought that she had a hand in the murder of her lover. Later by “God’s timely grace” they discovered she was a woman and never could have the heart to chop her lover’s body in to 300 pieces and the murderer was actually her fiancé.

The latter is now in jail and busy. No he’s not busy making bird sounds. But he’s occupied with dispatching legal notices to film director Ram Gopal Verma who made a movie based on this real life murder story. The movie is called ‘Not a Love Story’. And this has confused me if RGV is sick or sadomasochist. Confusion all over!

I believe I should end this here because like yawning, confusion is also contagious. Don’t believe me? Wait a while they’ll prove this too like the researchers in the UK and Norway recently proved that of all the things teenage pregnancy is contagious. Idea 3G, are you listening? It’s time to go global and make a mark like Lakshmi Menon did with her nude shots for designer Karl Lagerfeld’s Pirelli 2011 calendar. She did it so that “she could look back with pride when she’s 60.” Well, different people have different ways of preparing for old age.

I guess you should also get down to some twilight planning while I find out who made the mind bug (read f*#k) TVS Wego commercials.