Ra.One, F1 & the Behenji Saga

Well even though most of us think life is precious and we shouldn't be wasting a moment of it, we ended up watching Ra.One. And now we all agree that it has taken racism & grossness to another level.

It's not just SRK's cosmetically spoilt nose and his worsening acting skills that we had to bear this time. We realised they've sunk to the lowest levels of vulgarity by naming three Chinese females Iski Lee, Uski Lee & Sabki Lee .... that too in a kids' game!!!! ... MOST pathetic!!!

No wonder SRK spammed channels during prime time all this while to sell us this dump which he knew was high quality crap.

But this isn't enough. SRK disappointed me on another count as well. I was waiting for him to turn up at my flat to do my toilets to get me Ra.One'ised. I waited, I waited & I waited. But no sign of him. However I later heard he was busy giving back massages to porcupines to sell Ra.One. No wonder he ended up with his dreams punctured.

Anyway, but Ra.One did get me on my toes. I'm busy finding out who suggested that irritating cockroach haircut for SRK's kid. No, I won't kill him. He doesn't deserve that yet. He'll connect me with the hairstylist and then Ram Gopal Verma ki kasam I'll see to it that they work with him for his next movie which will probably be based on Bhanwari Devi's vanishing act.

And that reminds me, Ekta Kapoor is making a film based on Bigg Boss 5. The name of the film: "Chikni Chudailon Ka Honeymoon"

Anyway, coming back to the real world, even as Ra.One was driving hard to crash into the viewers' psyche, along came F1 which was an instant hit thanks to Her Highness behenji Mayawati for agreeing to honour us with her esteemed presence. It was her charm that could pull the likes of Mr Bean, Lady Gaga & Schumi to our humble Buddh International Circuit.

I have a new found regard for her after she let the F1 authorities go ahead with the winner's trophy they designed and not forcing them to give away a statue of herself as the trophy. Thank you, thank you so much behenji!

And what more! Behenji managed to impress the F1 winner, Sebastian Vettel, to his formulated core. Immediately after receiving the trophy from Her Highness, Vettel told the media, "Aapka ladki bohot sunda hai" (he meant Your women are very beautiful).

Behenji maybe the next F1 ambassador. Kick your ass 'sunda ladki'!

Cleanliness is Godliness

Mummyji is back and Rahul baba got a scolding for playing in the rain and muddying his clothes. She said, "Daagh achhe nahi hain." She was terribly angry and told him that this has happened as he has spoilt relationships with all relatives: elder sister (Behenji Mayawati), elder brother (Anna) and also mom (Amma Jayalalitha). Well, anyway, you can forget behenji and amma. Priyanka and I are good enough. But you should have been careful to keep cordial relations with your only big brother.

Now Anna, like a responsible big brother has not taken Rahul’s behaviour seriously and has sent a missive to Soniaji advising her to forget what happened and why it happened and immediately get Surf Excel.
She has written back saying she has ordered three lorries of the detergent. Three lorries?? Yes, along with Rahul baba all the ministers in the ruling government have made merry in the rain in her absence. So it’s celebration time for HUL. What with The Gandhi and The Government as the real life ambassadors of their brand?

Now that all the preparations are on at war footing to wash off the slush, Advaniji has decided to call off his rath yatra. He said the need of the hour is to buy some good detergent for my party too. So does HUL has some more reason to rejoice? O no, no Advaniji says. We plan to give P&G some smiles. We’ll use Ariel. Ofcourse we’ll go for the rivals of Surf Excel. But we have another very strong reason to opt for Ariel. Anna’s warrior Kiran Bedi has promoted the brand. This gives us another golden opportunity for us to prove our otherwise doubtful support for Anna’s campaign.

Besides, we also chose Ariel over any other brand because it promises: “Chamak Rakhe Nai Jaise” (Keeps the glow just like new). Well, I want to retain my youthful glow till I realise my dream to be the prime minister of India, says Advaniji. Ariel will help ofcourse. And if it fails, our dear old friend Ram Jethmalani will get back at P&G.

But Advaniji, Mr Jethmalani may take Ariel’s side and help them win the case. He’s a man of high morals you see. He helps those who can’t help themselves and see no support anywhere like the helpless culprits and criminals. So you maybe left in the lurch. O yes that he is and he should be. But he’ll agree to fight this one for us as we’ve already assured him that his black lawyer coat will not be washed with Ariel and it’ll remain black as it is, keeping intact his own identity.

Meanwhile Baba Ramdev has asked his partner Acharya Balkrishna to arrange either Surf Excel or Ariel for both of them. But Acharyaji has reportedly found that both the brands are out of stock due to unusual demand. Only Rin is available. Babaji has refused to buy Rin because it promises to remove yellowness and if that happens, Babaji risks losing his saffron identity. However, Acharyaji has decided to go ahead with Rin on his as-it-is white identity. The angered Babaji has now openly hit out at his erstwhile “media ke bhaiyyon” (brothers in the media). Well, behne (sisters) don’t figure in his lexicon. He says our country’s media should use Rin. They are only promoting yellow journalism these days and they need this desperately.

Coming back to the shortage of other detergents. Do HUL and P&G supply only a handful of these detergents that only a few orders from the government and the opposition should lead to a shortage? Well, not really. This has happened because there’s another lot ordering the stuff, the esteemed inhabitants of Tihar. Though they are only a few out there, they have ordered the largest chunk as they are presently under this typical psychological condition of admission that they are the filthiest among their types.

Considering the arrival of such huge consignment, the security at Tihar has been upped four-folds. However, sources say that this was done after the DG, Tihar, received three emails from an organisation “posing” to be an event management company which has a slogan ‘Have a blast while you last.” And the email text says: “We are coming to your town soon. Order for your blast NOW!!”

But haven’t you investigated the credibility of the company mentioned? Yes, we did that. The company exists very much on paper as well as on ground. But blast is “their” patent. No true son of the soil will promote blasts like this.

Well, only if RAW, IB and our honourable home minister could take a lesson here. Be paranoid. No clue is too few.

The Privileged Ones

Now this one clearly goes to the Indian government! They've made an astounding discovery this time around. They call it the Privilege Motion. And it's no mean tool. It will really go a long way in cleansing the environment of unnecessary sound pollution. It has been tested on anti-corruption crusaders and is expected to prove its efficiency. The conclusions of the experiment will be out soon for "we the people".

But we are informed that it has already caught the imagination of the who's who around. For instance UP CM Mayawati is planning to issue a Privilege Motion to Wikileaks for releasing private information about her. Well ofcourse if her private jet flies empty all the way from Lucknow to Mumbai to get her favourite pair of sandals, it's absolutely private. If her PSO cleans her shoes even though at a public function, it's between her and her PSO. It's private again. WTF has the world, or for that matter Wikileaks, got to do with it??

But whatever, Madame has made her stance clear. She will carry on wearing imported sandals. Akhir taste bhi koi cheez hoti hai! Right! But uh! I thought cheese bhi tasty hoti hai. Anyway we were at sandals. So UP doesn't have sandals to meet madame's sublime standards.

And as for Wikileaks, more is coming. Home minister P Chidambaram's son was also waiting for such a weapon ever since Wikileaks exposed his conversations with US diplomats about how "Indian politicians bought votes with notes tucked inside morning newspapers.

Damn! Now why should anybody get bothered about this even? This was part of their Political Social Responsibility. People needed money. Well who doesn't need money? And their leaders, their well-wishers gave them money. And they never asked for a fortune in return. They just asked for a stamp (against their election symbol). That's it!

Wikileaks has no work these days it seems. Keeps getting bothered about this and that. So for all this devil's workshop that it is running, it deserves a privilege motion to begin with. Right?

Popularities travel fast just as lies do. So the miner Reddy bros Janardhana Reddy and Srinivasan Reddy are contemplating issuing a privilege motion against Sonia Gandhi & Co. Janardhana thought of this after the CBI seized Rukmini after arresting him. Uh! I knew you would have got ideas by now. Adulterated minds I say. Rukmini is not his girl friend. It's the name of his private chopper. These dudes were flying high!! Nay! they were diggin' deep. Yo!

And ho! Rakhi Sawant is thinking of insuring her "assets" which include her cleavage and her butts. "After all," she says, "they earn me my bread & butter."  Rakhi tussi privileged ho! Well, privileged to have insurable assets.