Ra.One, F1 & the Behenji Saga

Well even though most of us think life is precious and we shouldn't be wasting a moment of it, we ended up watching Ra.One. And now we all agree that it has taken racism & grossness to another level.

It's not just SRK's cosmetically spoilt nose and his worsening acting skills that we had to bear this time. We realised they've sunk to the lowest levels of vulgarity by naming three Chinese females Iski Lee, Uski Lee & Sabki Lee .... that too in a kids' game!!!! ... MOST pathetic!!!

No wonder SRK spammed channels during prime time all this while to sell us this dump which he knew was high quality crap.

But this isn't enough. SRK disappointed me on another count as well. I was waiting for him to turn up at my flat to do my toilets to get me Ra.One'ised. I waited, I waited & I waited. But no sign of him. However I later heard he was busy giving back massages to porcupines to sell Ra.One. No wonder he ended up with his dreams punctured.

Anyway, but Ra.One did get me on my toes. I'm busy finding out who suggested that irritating cockroach haircut for SRK's kid. No, I won't kill him. He doesn't deserve that yet. He'll connect me with the hairstylist and then Ram Gopal Verma ki kasam I'll see to it that they work with him for his next movie which will probably be based on Bhanwari Devi's vanishing act.

And that reminds me, Ekta Kapoor is making a film based on Bigg Boss 5. The name of the film: "Chikni Chudailon Ka Honeymoon"

Anyway, coming back to the real world, even as Ra.One was driving hard to crash into the viewers' psyche, along came F1 which was an instant hit thanks to Her Highness behenji Mayawati for agreeing to honour us with her esteemed presence. It was her charm that could pull the likes of Mr Bean, Lady Gaga & Schumi to our humble Buddh International Circuit.

I have a new found regard for her after she let the F1 authorities go ahead with the winner's trophy they designed and not forcing them to give away a statue of herself as the trophy. Thank you, thank you so much behenji!

And what more! Behenji managed to impress the F1 winner, Sebastian Vettel, to his formulated core. Immediately after receiving the trophy from Her Highness, Vettel told the media, "Aapka ladki bohot sunda hai" (he meant Your women are very beautiful).

Behenji maybe the next F1 ambassador. Kick your ass 'sunda ladki'!

Cleanliness is Godliness

Mummyji is back and Rahul baba got a scolding for playing in the rain and muddying his clothes. She said, "Daagh achhe nahi hain." She was terribly angry and told him that this has happened as he has spoilt relationships with all relatives: elder sister (Behenji Mayawati), elder brother (Anna) and also mom (Amma Jayalalitha). Well, anyway, you can forget behenji and amma. Priyanka and I are good enough. But you should have been careful to keep cordial relations with your only big brother.

Now Anna, like a responsible big brother has not taken Rahul’s behaviour seriously and has sent a missive to Soniaji advising her to forget what happened and why it happened and immediately get Surf Excel.
She has written back saying she has ordered three lorries of the detergent. Three lorries?? Yes, along with Rahul baba all the ministers in the ruling government have made merry in the rain in her absence. So it’s celebration time for HUL. What with The Gandhi and The Government as the real life ambassadors of their brand?

Now that all the preparations are on at war footing to wash off the slush, Advaniji has decided to call off his rath yatra. He said the need of the hour is to buy some good detergent for my party too. So does HUL has some more reason to rejoice? O no, no Advaniji says. We plan to give P&G some smiles. We’ll use Ariel. Ofcourse we’ll go for the rivals of Surf Excel. But we have another very strong reason to opt for Ariel. Anna’s warrior Kiran Bedi has promoted the brand. This gives us another golden opportunity for us to prove our otherwise doubtful support for Anna’s campaign.

Besides, we also chose Ariel over any other brand because it promises: “Chamak Rakhe Nai Jaise” (Keeps the glow just like new). Well, I want to retain my youthful glow till I realise my dream to be the prime minister of India, says Advaniji. Ariel will help ofcourse. And if it fails, our dear old friend Ram Jethmalani will get back at P&G.

But Advaniji, Mr Jethmalani may take Ariel’s side and help them win the case. He’s a man of high morals you see. He helps those who can’t help themselves and see no support anywhere like the helpless culprits and criminals. So you maybe left in the lurch. O yes that he is and he should be. But he’ll agree to fight this one for us as we’ve already assured him that his black lawyer coat will not be washed with Ariel and it’ll remain black as it is, keeping intact his own identity.

Meanwhile Baba Ramdev has asked his partner Acharya Balkrishna to arrange either Surf Excel or Ariel for both of them. But Acharyaji has reportedly found that both the brands are out of stock due to unusual demand. Only Rin is available. Babaji has refused to buy Rin because it promises to remove yellowness and if that happens, Babaji risks losing his saffron identity. However, Acharyaji has decided to go ahead with Rin on his as-it-is white identity. The angered Babaji has now openly hit out at his erstwhile “media ke bhaiyyon” (brothers in the media). Well, behne (sisters) don’t figure in his lexicon. He says our country’s media should use Rin. They are only promoting yellow journalism these days and they need this desperately.

Coming back to the shortage of other detergents. Do HUL and P&G supply only a handful of these detergents that only a few orders from the government and the opposition should lead to a shortage? Well, not really. This has happened because there’s another lot ordering the stuff, the esteemed inhabitants of Tihar. Though they are only a few out there, they have ordered the largest chunk as they are presently under this typical psychological condition of admission that they are the filthiest among their types.

Considering the arrival of such huge consignment, the security at Tihar has been upped four-folds. However, sources say that this was done after the DG, Tihar, received three emails from an organisation “posing” to be an event management company which has a slogan ‘Have a blast while you last.” And the email text says: “We are coming to your town soon. Order for your blast NOW!!”

But haven’t you investigated the credibility of the company mentioned? Yes, we did that. The company exists very much on paper as well as on ground. But blast is “their” patent. No true son of the soil will promote blasts like this.

Well, only if RAW, IB and our honourable home minister could take a lesson here. Be paranoid. No clue is too few.

The Privileged Ones

Now this one clearly goes to the Indian government! They've made an astounding discovery this time around. They call it the Privilege Motion. And it's no mean tool. It will really go a long way in cleansing the environment of unnecessary sound pollution. It has been tested on anti-corruption crusaders and is expected to prove its efficiency. The conclusions of the experiment will be out soon for "we the people".

But we are informed that it has already caught the imagination of the who's who around. For instance UP CM Mayawati is planning to issue a Privilege Motion to Wikileaks for releasing private information about her. Well ofcourse if her private jet flies empty all the way from Lucknow to Mumbai to get her favourite pair of sandals, it's absolutely private. If her PSO cleans her shoes even though at a public function, it's between her and her PSO. It's private again. WTF has the world, or for that matter Wikileaks, got to do with it??

But whatever, Madame has made her stance clear. She will carry on wearing imported sandals. Akhir taste bhi koi cheez hoti hai! Right! But uh! I thought cheese bhi tasty hoti hai. Anyway we were at sandals. So UP doesn't have sandals to meet madame's sublime standards.

And as for Wikileaks, more is coming. Home minister P Chidambaram's son was also waiting for such a weapon ever since Wikileaks exposed his conversations with US diplomats about how "Indian politicians bought votes with notes tucked inside morning newspapers.

Damn! Now why should anybody get bothered about this even? This was part of their Political Social Responsibility. People needed money. Well who doesn't need money? And their leaders, their well-wishers gave them money. And they never asked for a fortune in return. They just asked for a stamp (against their election symbol). That's it!

Wikileaks has no work these days it seems. Keeps getting bothered about this and that. So for all this devil's workshop that it is running, it deserves a privilege motion to begin with. Right?

Popularities travel fast just as lies do. So the miner Reddy bros Janardhana Reddy and Srinivasan Reddy are contemplating issuing a privilege motion against Sonia Gandhi & Co. Janardhana thought of this after the CBI seized Rukmini after arresting him. Uh! I knew you would have got ideas by now. Adulterated minds I say. Rukmini is not his girl friend. It's the name of his private chopper. These dudes were flying high!! Nay! they were diggin' deep. Yo!

And ho! Rakhi Sawant is thinking of insuring her "assets" which include her cleavage and her butts. "After all," she says, "they earn me my bread & butter."  Rakhi tussi privileged ho! Well, privileged to have insurable assets.

Pizzas & Bournville

Rahul baba,
It's time to act wise. Accept Anna's demands. You'll get people's support forever in a go PLUS a Bournville chocolate from mymmyji which you would've rightfully earned.
Sincerely,
Citizen of India

The other day when Soniaji asked Anna, "Hungry kya?", we thought she would beat Maggi and get back with a double cheese margherita pizza in 2 minutes.
But mymmyji's pizza is taking too long to make. Meanwhile, Rahul baba looks like a kid lost in Amazon rainforests.

What's Up?

We could see the fast and we could see the furious crowds. But a lot went on in the backyard. For instance:

Manmohan Singh took up a challenge to prove he's as good as the fasting crusader Anna Hazare. And he seems to have overcome the challenge. So while Anna had the whole country wear 'I Am Anna' cap, MMS had the whole Congress party going mum in his patent grace. He found his very first follower in none other than the Rahul baba. No wonder, the Gandhi scion was not seen ...or heard talking even once ever since the anti-corruption crusader Anna Hazare refused to accept the government's humble advice to go slow and put his foot down to go fast.

The MMS effect is reported to have caught up so strongly among the Congmen that those who wanted to run their mouths without consulting their grey matter, have been asked to take a break...like for instance Manish Tiwari and Kapil Sibal were bottled up and asked to take a break.

And yes, I know the secret of the PM's uncalculated silence. He was once invited for a talk show on a leading news channel. He had a lots to say. But the anchor didn't allow him to speak. After that, he didn't speak in public for a long time due to shock. Later he swore never to resort to public speaking no matter what.

Moving on, everybody wondered where's mum Sonia through all this chaos. And flying came the news that she was busy making a double cheese margherita for Anna. This happened after she called the latter last evening and asked him, "Hungry Kya?" and he gave her a grim look.

And yes, coming back to MMS. Though he has had a history of not opening his mouth, this time he chose not to stay away altogether. Well, people are saying he could've done a Bharat Kumar errr Manoj Kumar and appeared palm-faced before the cameras. That would've added some more brownie points to his patriotism. But no, he preferred to stay away and for good reasons. It wasn't safe for him to venture out. Sanjay Nirupam saved his ass by emerging from his cage in an "I Am Anna" Gandhi cap. MMS wouldn't have had a choice in such a situation.

Ah! by the way, palm-faced Manoj Kumar maybe a myth. Google Images produces no results for phrase.

As for others, it was business as usual. Like Advani was still seen making twilight attempts at getting the top seat vacated. Sushma Swaraj was heard telling the Speaker, Parliament that this government is corrupt and should go. And Aajtak kept playing promos of RGV's 'Not a Love Story'. Maybe they think that the background score which sounds like the chirp of a constipated bird would pull some sympathy for the otherwise diarrhoea-inducing flick.

Meanwhile, look who else is eagerly looking forward to the Jan Lokpal Bill.
Aunt Sarah (in Lady & The Tramp): Stop whistling!!
Beaver: "You don't have to stop me from whistling now. The Jan Lokpal Bill is coming to protect us, the whistle blowers."

What's the Confusion?

“Ah! the Guy...”
“Nah! the Lady...”
“It’s the Guy...something ...I forget!!! I know, I’ve seen this face. Yeah! I got it!! It’s Bob Geldof. No, wait. I guess it’s Prince. No! God! Who is it?”
“Ok you won’t get this one. Let me help you. It’s Lady Gaga.”
“No. I don’t believe this!!!”

Lady Gaga in her male avatar

Well it is Lady Gaga sporting thick side locks, smoking away at the Edge of Glory. So after all the raw meat dresses, telephones on head and horns on face, our Lady of the Poker Face has got the world officially confused this time. She has posed as her male alter ego Jo Caldron on the cover of her latest album You and I. So the world’s wondering if she’s a female or male.

Check out the telephone headgear

Now I say it’s just hype. A celeb gossip site, Bump Shack had reported way back in 2009 about her hermaphrodite status. Then what’s with all the hoopla I don’t understand. We have better things to get confused about. Like I’m confused about whether Fair & Lovely really makes people fair and lovely. From what I’m told, Kajol never used it. So that leaves me confused about her fairness without Fair & Lovely. Never mind. That’s fair enough. No woman reveals the secret of her beauty and appeal.

But some women aren’t coy about sharing these secrets. Like the Pak’s foreign minister Hina Rabbani Khar’s secret was her blue dupatta, the huge Hermes Birkin bag, Robert Cavalli shades and much more. Yet she left us confused. We still wonder whether she was here to talk peace or to walk the ramp. And to top it all she went back confused about the identity of our reporters. She thought they were the paparazzi while they all reported pure politics. She should have known that the paparazzi in India were busy elsewhere that time around.

Our very own Lady of the Three Hundred Pieces aka Maria Susairaj and her convicted fiance kept them busy. The lady herself had been set free to fly the blue skies. Earlier they had thought that she had a hand in the murder of her lover. Later by “God’s timely grace” they discovered she was a woman and never could have the heart to chop her lover’s body in to 300 pieces and the murderer was actually her fiancé.

The latter is now in jail and busy. No he’s not busy making bird sounds. But he’s occupied with dispatching legal notices to film director Ram Gopal Verma who made a movie based on this real life murder story. The movie is called ‘Not a Love Story’. And this has confused me if RGV is sick or sadomasochist. Confusion all over!

I believe I should end this here because like yawning, confusion is also contagious. Don’t believe me? Wait a while they’ll prove this too like the researchers in the UK and Norway recently proved that of all the things teenage pregnancy is contagious. Idea 3G, are you listening? It’s time to go global and make a mark like Lakshmi Menon did with her nude shots for designer Karl Lagerfeld’s Pirelli 2011 calendar. She did it so that “she could look back with pride when she’s 60.” Well, different people have different ways of preparing for old age.

I guess you should also get down to some twilight planning while I find out who made the mind bug (read f*#k) TVS Wego commercials. 

Rakhi weds Ramdev

It’s wedding bells yet again in tinsel town. Another celebrity marriage on the cards. Rakhi Sawant is marrying Baba Ramdev. And guess who's the busiest of the lot? Nah! not Rakhi, not Ramdev. It's the media!!

While newspapers and news channels are busy getting bites and quotes one juicier than the other, NDTV Imagine is busy with the wedding preparations. Work has been allotted to various teams suited to their profiles.

One bunch is out arranging a mom for Rakhi. The production team is assigned this job as they can judge who’ll suit the best for the role. The editorial team is scripting a sob past of her and her family. The channel’s security is being trained to ensure Z security measures in case Rakhi's ex-husband Elesh Parujanwala attacks spears and daggers. No not to get back Rakhi but to get back his yoga guru Ramdev.

Ah! Elesh secretly enrolled with Ramdev’s Yogpeeth to get a life after being kicked out of his short marriage by the then wife Rakhi. He paid stinking amounts to get Ramdev as his personal trainer for Yoga. Now he may be insecure of loosing an efficient yoga guru as he will have to sever all ties with him once he marries his estranged wife...extranged on a bitter note to be precise.

And this is not all. NDTV Imagine has a bigger job at hand. That of searching for Ramdev. We hear that Babaji has gone underground along with his close aide Acharya Balkrishna after hearing about Rakhi’s desire to tie the knot with him. No that’s not because he hates Rakhi or he’s scared of Elesh. It’s because he’s scared of spouse rivalry after marriage. He feels he’s no match for Rakhi’s ‘gift of gab’.

According to the undercover correspondents reporting from Ramdev’s underground hideout somewhere in the basements in his very own The Little Cumbrae Island, off the fishing town of Largs in Scotland, Ramdev was last spotted watching the Amitabh starrer Abhimaan which is based on the story of an ambitious and famous husband who is unable to save his happy marriage because of his jealousy for his talented wife when she professionally overtakes him.

But Babaji Rakhi Sawant is not in your industry. How can she be competition to you? He says he fears that she is capable of attracting the media much better than he can. Anyway, we believe NDTV Imagine has the skill set to persuade Babaji. Once they begin talks, he’ll be head over heels in love with Rakhi err or is it heels over head? Whatever, all that matters is he’ll be in love.

Everything else is in place. The venue of the marriage reception is Ramlila Maidan in Delhi and Ramdev’s wedding costume: drag.

Living In a Crazy World

So Suresh Kalmadi has done what no other Indian could! He's now in the league of Woodrow Wilson, Franklin D Roosevelt, Hitler and Stalin. And what's common? Dementia.

For those who can't recall their biology lessons, here's the definition of dementia. It is a loss of brain function that occurs with Parkinson's disease affecting memory, thinking, language, judgement, and behaviour. Uh! don't worry if you forgot your biology lesson. You don't have dementia. Yours is just a natural and universal case of short memory where we may just not remember some of our unpleasant past.

Coming back to Kalmadi's achievement, I would say all Indians should thank their stars for the Commonwealth Games scam and Kalmadi's subsequent arrest. It's only after all these developments, that he thought of seeing a psychiatrist and hence his dementia could be diagnosed. We've been saved of bigger troubles which could've been of the intensity of World War if psychiatrists of international acclaim are to be believed.

They've said that WW-II could have been avoided if Woodrow Wilson had bowed to his dementia. They also say that millions of Russians would have been saved if Stalin had seen a psychiatrist. They've figured out that the Yalta negotiations between Franklin D Roosevelt and Stalin at the end of WW-II in 1945 may have been influenced by Roosevelt's dementia. Imagine who all were at the negotiating table? Two world leaders and their respective dementias! No wonder all the devastating consequences of WW-II.

That makes me wonder if the Indian and Pakistani premiers need to spend some time with their psychiatrists. Had we thought of it earlier, we could have avoided all the continuing disturbances between the two countries. Mr Kalmadi is a whole six decades late in enlightening us. But nonetheless.

Now that we've picked up the topic, it occurs to me that the US government officials must have brought in added dementia each time they intervened in peace talks between the two countries. They have better chances of being affected, as they have a history of the disease in their top most leaders  like Wilson and Roosevelt. Could federal debt crisis have anything to do with the US' dementia history? I mean maybe George Bush and now President Barack Obama may want to see their shrinks.

Moving away, if shrinks say that dementia of the then world leaders led to WW-II, shall we say that all terrorists at present may have dementia. We can do little about curing all of them, but the Indian government can begin with Ajmal Kasab, the Norwegian administration can begin with Andres Behring Breivik, and the FBI can begin with David Headley. It may give some leads.

Also, the governments concerned should try and make it soon because dementia causes memory loss. What if Kasab, Headley and Breivik were to forget all details about their misdeeds? They should hurry up in case of Kalmadi too. If it's too late, he may not recall in his most natural sanities that there exists in this world something like 'sports' leave alone CWG. 

On the other hand, Kasab must be secretly wishing that all Indian officials and leaders get dementia, Breivik and Headley would be wishing the same for the Norwegian and the US officials. Ousted IMF boss Dominique Strauss-Kahn is praying that Nafissatou Diallo gets the disease. And President Barack Obama and Republican House Speaker John Boehner maybe wishing dementia for each other even as they exchange 'pleasantries' over the fed debt crisis while I write this piece.

What next? We wake up to the uneasy reality that we are living in a world full of crazy people. Thank God dementia is not contagious.

So Harry Potter, What Next?

So what next after all the farewell parties and interviews are over? Does Harry Potter plan to tour the world? Or just bask in the glory of all the success he got when kids of his age were learning how to spell success? Well, from what I know, he wouldn't be doing either! He's got some serious work. He has his hands full. So says Mugsy my messenger.

Mugsy - My Messenger

Here's the list of assignments Harry Potter has been proposed:

Indian premier Manmohan Singh has connected with Albus Dumbledore, the founder and leader of the Order of the Phoenix. Now that Voldemort is dead, they may not need Potter for a while. So the Indian government can bring him on board. Scams, blasts, "foreign looking objects" on minsters' tables and much more is happening here which needs a wizard's touch to get sorted.

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai has also written to Dumbledore. Too much of chaos. After the assassination of Karzai's half-brother and the bombing during his service at the mosque, the Taliban have now released a tape which shows them killing Pakitani policemen, "the enemies of Allah" as the Taliban calls them in the tapes. That's supposed to mean that the Taliban is the friend of Allah.

The third in the list is our immediate neighbour Pakistan. They want Harry to use his wizardry to tell them what's up. Who's who and what everybody in their country wants. Dumbledore is known to have told the Paki administration to come up with a more detailed and specific report. The country's leaders are confused about who should be assigned the tedious task of preparing an organised report about a messed up state. They have understood to have told Dumbledore that they would need Harry's assistance to do this job as well. Well, Dumbledore is walking around and humming to himself, keeping up to his name which means 'bumblebee' in early modern English.

Last but not the least, Mugsy tells me someone desperately wants Harry back home in Britain. Any guesses? Well, media mogul Rupert Murdoch is looking for a more effective paparazzi. Phone tapping landed him foam-pied in the House of Commons. Wizardry is a guaranteed fool proof technique. Atleast when the master wizard Harry Potter is at work, you can bet no one will get caught even if you published previous night's pictures straight from Prince William's bedroom.

Meanwhile, Gillette and all other shaving foam makers are already at work trying to find out the brand of the foam which a man "lobbed into Murdoch's face at point-blank range." Why this brand hunt now? Remember Bush being shoed at a press conference in Baghdad in Dec 2008?

The Turkish shoe company, Ramazan Baydan, that made the shoe, experienced an immediate surge in sales. It received 30,000 orders in the very first week after the incident!! Taking lead from this, foam-makers are now out to make a killing out of the pie in Murdoch's face. Let's see who hits the jackpot. Who knows even they may be thinking of hiring Harry Potter for the job.

Mugsy's out already to get the news.
Cartoon courtesy: Coghill

Abundant Enough

India's police force is short of cops. Whatever number of cops there are, are short of sophisticated weapons. The Indian defence forces are short of officers. Young graduates are short of jobs even as companies cry hoarse over manpower crunch. And what's the reason for this yawning gap between jobs and young grads? Career experts say it's the shortage of talent.

Taps are short of water. Power and oil are in short supply. The season monsoon is getting shorter by the year. Distances are reducing, between cities that is to say. I'm not too sure about the distances between hearts though which seem to be getting wider.

Then the more dangerous of all shortages known yet, our tempers are getting shorter by the moment. Happiness is evaporating faster than acetone from the surface of this earth. And ofcourse we are all always running short of time. So, we live a short life so full of shortages.

Anyway, I still see some hope and lots of abundance too. To begin with, we just saw shortage itself is so much in abundance. We, the human beings, are becoming abundant as a force at a speed faster than that of any meteorite. The number of religions are growing. And ofcourse Gods have always been in abundance. If you can't please one God, you turn to another. Besides, we are getting more Godmen these days. If one can't please you, get pleased by another.

Human beings growing in abundance

Pollution is in abundance. Frowns are all over in loads. Crimes come in lots. Frequency of earthquakes, tornadoes and hurricanes that have recently rocked the world has increased. Number of divorces are on a rise. Broken hearts are strewn all over. Wars are in huge numbers and counting.

Abundant pollution

Ok moving away from this grim scenario, the economy is on an all time high. The swelling queues at cash counters in malls and outside eateries are evident of this growing prosperity. 

And as if all this abundance couldn't match the amount of shortages, the number of people pouring shit on their heads is growing rapidly. Kangana Ranaut did it just yesterday. I wonder if she drew some inspiration from Malinga. Anyway, even this wasn't abundant enough, it seems, that along came Bipasha with her implants. And we are told like Mukesh Ambani, Bips isn't shy of flaunting her abundance. Well with this latest open show of abundance, I bet many shortages must have been forgotten. I would suggest enjoy this abundance while it lasts.

On another note, if you've been expecting the government will do something to bring abundance to your equity returns and salary packages, simply forget it for now. They are busy cracking the growing abundance of bombs and the bombers. Just when they begin to believe that they have abundant intelligence and evidences about the previous blasts, the hi-tech miscreants strike back very abundantly each time.

Besides, the glittering abundance at Padmanabhaswamy and the limelight abundance at Tihar is also keeping the government engaged. Well don't you think it's abundance galore? Quite a few stuff is in abundance including shortages. What say?

"Spirit of Mumbai" Decoded

What's with this "Spirit of Mumbai"? What's that 'Spirit' they keep talking about each time after a blast or attack on Mumbai? One says they are talking about a special kind of spirit that they make only in Mumbai. It's applied on the bruises and burns of the injured to give them immediate relief so that they are up and kicking to get on with life. It also heals broken hearts and injured souls of the friends and families of victims. And this is not enough. This special spirit has another utility.

High on the 'Spirit of Mumbai'

The kins and friends of victims and all others alive in any part of the city are inebriated with this spirit to help them come out of the grief as soon as possible and get back on track. Soon here means within hours after the tragedy. The municipal corporation water-works department is assigned this job of feeding this 'elixir of life' to people. So the water that you get in your taps after the blast, is actually this 'water of life'. No you needn't worry for its purity.

This water is not contaminated. It is gotten straight from the depths of Arabian Sea after samudra manthan. Urgh!! Someone popped with a face as blue as Krishna's himself, "Do you mean I have been drinking all the junk that MV Wisdom and its likes have been shedding into the Arabian sea?" Ah! no no no. How can that be? Don't you worship Lord Shiva's son, Ganapathi Bappa, as a true devotee? If yes then why do you worry? He has persuaded his father to take care of all the poison that surfaces from the manthan or churning of the sea as he did light years ago at the legendary samudra manthan.

This is one. Then there's another group of believers who say that this 'Spirit' refers to incorporeal consciousness, The Atma or the higher self which lives on even as the worldly outwardness perishes in the sands of time. So, the PMO connected with all the Godmen available to summon this metaphysical being which goes into hibernation once the city comes to its own after the previous attack. (Ah! now we know why we haven't heard from the PM even once after the blasts. Otherwise he can't wait to show up and run his mouth.)

They didn't contact Baba Ramdev this time though he was keen as always to join in. Make no mistakes. It's not because of the recent face-off that the government chose to ignore him. We are mature. We don't nurture enmities. It's because Babaji is not an expert at Ouija boards. Some less popular and less experienced Godmen have been put to work since last evening. No wonder with all their inexperience then that they have not been able to call the 'Spirit of Mumbai' yet in its patent youthful charm and glory!!

So a communication released from the home minster's office has appealed to the masses that till the time the Godmen succeed, you may keep yourself going with the 'elixir of life' made available in your taps throughout the day. But yes if you feel nauseated at any point after drinking this water, rush to the nearest hospital. After all it's rainy season and swine flu, jaundice and what not are in the air...and water. With municipal corporation's mediation, elixir of life also can't be guaranteed. Why take unnecessary risk? We have to survive to prove to terrorists that we are made of alloys with heavy percentages of iron in it. Nothing really affects us...not any number of blasts or bullets.
(Illustration: Mario Miranda)

Why Mumbai Rocked...Yet Again?

How could 13 July get notoriously tagged on our calendars when we had an efficient lieutenant heading the internal security system? Socrates, our thinker, is figuring this out. Meanwhile, here's what we could gather.

Well it happened because this lieutenant, home minister P Chidambaram was made busy by his colleague finance minister Pranab Mukherjee with identifying a "foreign-looking object" found on the latter's desk recently. The FM's over-developed septuagenarian senses interpreted the object to be a bug leading him to allege that the Intelligence Bureau was trying to tap his office (IB falls under the jurisdiction if home ministry).

Socrates - Our Thinker

I wonder if Mukherjee needs help. He reminds me of our glam doll of yesteryears, Parveen Babi, who had started getting illusions as she got older and lonelier, that the KGB and the Taliban are after her life! I'm not saying that the FM is lonely. But old he is and he did get illusions that his office is being tapped. So...

However, when Chiddu (as they affectionately call Chidambaran) heard this, he got busy proving to the FM that it was not a bug but a button which broke off from the latter's black bandhgala when he pulled off the laundry tag from it during their meeting the other day. No chuckles please. We all forget to remove laundry tags and we only realise it when at the end of the day the colleague sitting right next to you throughout the day, points it out.

And then it's more annoyance than embarrassment that you feel. That's because first no one wants to be pointed at for any folly. But if you say you are cool with that part, then the anger would be because your colleague woke up from his snooze when you had already strutted around the world flaunting the humble tag on your not so humble Versace.

Now, getting back to the ministers, ofcourse Mukherjee wouldn't agree with Chiddu's interpretations as he was irked that his folly had not gone unnoticed. So, this button err the bug kept the country's most significant bosses occupied. Meanwhile the janta got busy looking for Chiddu as he could be seen around very rarely. The "foreign-looking object" on FM's desk was such a diversion for everybody that they missed the three foreign-looking objects planted right next to them in busy markets last evening.

It was only when they went boom, that they realised that foreign-looking objects don't always look like buttons. They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes as stuffed bags also. This makes me feel there's an immediate need to educate people on identifying foreign-looking objects. That shouldn't be very difficult.

Our very own phoren-returned Shashi Tharoor would be obliged to fill in as the teacher. He's not very busy these days. This will give some focus to his confused state nowadays where he's found talking about anything ranging from CWG, temple treasures and Afghanistan. Ergh! Like our now quietened Baba Ramdevji who could earlier declare homosexuality a disease with as much ease as he could try an escape in drag. But nah, Tharoor  in no rustic Baba Ramdev, he's a suave NRI. No drag for him please. He would use his girlfriend as a cover to make an escape.

So, the tuitions are set. Now all we need is cooperation from Mukherjee and Chiddu. They will be required to attend the classes along with the janta every weekend. We expect that they shouldn't register a single bunk in the 5-year course.

Meanwhile, a little birdie tells me, Bigg Boss has decided to bring Ajmal Kasab on board. His credentials? Does he have any history of abusive relationships or has he been involved in any kind of controversy as of late? Yes ofcourse!! The controversy regarding his birth date. People saw 13 July which coincided with the blasts today. But before we could gather to sing "Happy Budday to dear Ajmal...", his birth date was 'postponed' to 13 September. Scary!!

I say it's a good idea to bring him on Bigg Boss considering that he'll have Navjot Singh Siddhu for company. Siddhu's jabbering would work better than any anesthesia to get Kasab into talking...the truth. Maybe then we are saved another round of fatal fireworks to mark his 'birthday celebrations' on 13 September.

Socry, nickname for our thinker Socrates, could you guess yet? Well the thing is he only thinks and takes long while he does that.
Cartoon courtesy: Picturesofcats.org

To Be or Not To Be

My FB pal Vaishali is confused as to why do we have so many worship places, and feel the need to visit them,when God is everywhere???
Someone said....air is everywhere, but we still need a fan to feel it!!! Isn't it???

hhhhhhmmmm Vaishali!! God and air are doing a Jack Griffin here. They are invisible as was Griffin who in desperation clothes and bandages himself to become visible to be able to earn a living. You see life's hard upon the invisible being doesn't matter if it's God or the devil. So they have to find something to present their identities. Likewise, God found temples and air found the fan.


Now Vaishali just look towards your right. I'm right there. But you won't see me. So I found Facebook to make myself visible and acquainted to the big huge world. Nah! don't mistake me. Am not doing a Griffin here. I'm doing a God!! I always knew about my divine traits. But I don't believe in concrete structures of worship and devotees. Facebook & friends work just fine for me.
Howzzat!!

Unfriending / Unchatting

Among other miracles or worldly deeds of awe that I'm waiting for, one that recently happened was the evolution of Facebook chat. Ah! ok now these days FB is my world. So you'll find me talking a lot about it. Some have even called this addiction. Uh! But I don't mind. I feel I get better ideas on Facebook than I would on the morning pot.

Now when I expressed my joy about this on FB, my friend Onkar said there were other ways to censor earlier. Ah! yes there were. But it was only 'unfriend' or 'block'. And I feel there's lots between a day in the lockup and capital punishment. Some sticky nuts may not be seasoned criminals so as to attract beheading. Puncturing their vacuum pads may just work fine to scrape them off the wall.

Broken Hearts & Spoken Words

A friend's wall post on Facebook read: "Words & hearts should be handled with care, for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair"

Well I feel these days they make that special kinda stuff called Move-On with which broken hearts can be easily repaired. So we are just left with spoken words to be repaired. Well, I think for that also something called 'Do I care' is becoming popular.


So while these two are taken care of, I so strongly feel we are moving towards a mobile and carefree world. What more could we ask for?

Time Vs Money

As if there's dearth of debates, here's another one. But debates should go on. They keep your brain functional. Ok anyway, rather than debating about debates, let's see what debate do we have waiting here for us. Well we are debating what's more precious - time or money?

Well yeah this is a debate as old and mysterious as the ghosts on the hills. And just like them, it keeps on striking every now and then the way it has struck now with a wall post on Facebook.

My immediate reaction, "O! What a waste...of time ...and money too." However, if unfortunately I'm destined to squander both, here's my take. I stick to my stance that time is more precious because though the structure and technology for manufacturing time is ready, the setting up of the manufacturing plant in a sleepy village in West Bengal has been repeatedly interrupted by land-owners' agitations.

The owners, the Digiclock brothers, were then suggested they could turn to the futuristic Gujarat. But they refused saying, "We are true-blue modern Indians and since the modern history of the country began on the soil of Bengal with the East India Company setting up office here in 1600, the new era in the world's history can't begin anywhere. Uumm if that's the case then US should be honoured as the "New World" rose with the discovery of the Americas by Columbus.

Anyway Digiclocks don't buy this. Well, boss is always right. Personally, I take their decision with some suspicion. I hope they aren't some US sleuths here to revenge insults hurled at them by Bengal's commerades. Uh! thoughts you see they can fly anywhere. Ofcourse I didn't mean it (lest the sleuths turn against me).

Ok so now that it appears that we won't start manufacturing time any time soon, let's handle it with immense care. As for money, they are making it in abundance...all sorts...even fake. Check out some small 'money manufacturing plants' in the dingy lanes of Azamgarh (Ah! yeah you got it, the birth place of nabbed underworld don Abu Salem), you'll know how rich we are with money. All you is to get your tricks right for getting money on your side.

Murder Galore

Today when they spoke about the Neeraj-Maria-Jerome love triangle, what crossed my mind was this channel V filler http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aH1nwNWldI in which Simpu Singh asks his students if the geometrical figure on the board is an isosceles triangle.

And I wondered if the latest most talked about love triangle is isosceles in some way. And I figured out it most definitely is. Ah! for those who don't know an isosceles triangle, it's a triangle which has two arms of equal length.

From what I see, this love triangle gone awry is a perfect isosceles. But I still can't be too sure about which two arms are the same length.

In the first instance I feel Maria Monica Susairaj and her fiance Jerome Mathews were the same length arms of the triangle and Maria's boyfriend Neeraj Grover was on a different trip altogether. Maria and Jerome planned Neeraj's murder through and through and Neeraj obviously had no clue what his girlfriend was up to right beside him.

But on second thought it seems Jerome and Neeraj were similar and Maria was the odd one out. Maria, the small-time Kannada actress with big-time Bollywood dreams, not just planned the murder, she planned it in a way so as to get rid of Jerome and Neeraj both in one go.

Well, did she take cue from the John-Bips betrayal flick Jism? In the movie, Bipasha is shown to hate her old but rich husband but loves his money too much. She charms John and then uses him to kill her husband. Then, later, John kills himself when he is told that he'll be convicted. So Bips gets all the wealth.

In the Neeraj Grover murder case, Maria used her fiance Jerome to kill her lover. Now Jerome is in jail for 10 years, Neeraj is dead, and Maria is free to make it big in Bollywood. Wherever she would go later, I'm sure she's landed a big fat slot in Big Boss next season.

When Ramdev Masqueraded

Baba Ramdev may have been shunted and chased by government lieutenants in khaki. And he may have attracted bitter criticism from you-name-it, but there's someone who wants a deal with the Baba. We hear that the Mummers and the Halloween paraders are keen to get this budding masquerader on board.

Budding?? Yes budding. Well what else can you say for someone who with a feet long beard and a prominent moustache decides to escape in a woman's outfit? So now the paraders, like all the teachers across the horizon, also know you shrugged your homework. Hhmm not a good thing Babaji. Now I know why everybody is suspecting you for your guru's mysterious disappearance.

But yes the paraders admire Baba Ramdev's guts and adventurous spirit and hence are willing to overlook the  drubbing and have hired experts to train him for their big days. Well my heartiest congrats to Babaji! Mardi Gras may not be far away now.

You desired to go places Babaji. You already are. From Mahendragarh to The Little Cumbrae to Marde Gras. And God knows what next. Enjoy the trip! Only that I wonder yoga will go upside down. Ah! but anyway power yoga is catching up now. So chill Babaji you can devote all your energies to polishing your masquerading skills and learning the art of picking the right drag if you must.

Sush ka Item Number

Aren't we recently flooded with item numbers from Bollywood? What with Jalebi Bai, Switty, Sheila and Munni giving a blush to any Rakhi Sawant worth her swayamvar? And it seems we hadn't yet had enough that along came Sush errrrr.... Mrs Sushma Sawaraj. I got to be respectful. After all she's an aspirant for the country's top job.

So here came Mrs Sushma Swaraj (pooh! too much to write each time I mention her. But so much for mera mahaan Bharat and it's true rakshaks). Ok so here came Mrs Sushma Swaraj with her latkas and jhatkas. I must say she was serious competition to the svelte Jalebi Bais, Munnis and Sheilas of the world as she swayed to guess what!! 'ye desh hai veer jawano ka'...in all her bulk.

Well bulk is bliss you got to believe now. I'm told Britain's Critic's Circle has connected with her to bestow her with the National Dance Award 2011. Well they are so mesmerised that they are introducing a new category for her: The Perpendicular Expression of a Vertical Desire Award. That's because she's now chosen to dance her way up to the premier job.

Meanwhile palm-faced Manoj Kumar has been reported frequenting the courts of law to sue Mrs Sushma Swaraj for "defaming and maligning the image of our country" by doing a badnaam Munni on a desh-prem song. Let's see who wins..the dance award I mean.

Baba Bubble

Teachers these days are telling children not to idolise Baba Ramdev. Not because of the fasting fiasco. But because he doesn't do his home work. Fasting against black money and graft, he lands up posing before the national and international media. He demands that Rs 500 and Rs 1000 be banned taking cue from 1970's Amitabh flicks where the bad boys exchanged cash in slim attaches. Babaji this is 2011. Just FYI.

Had your guru Mahant Shankerdev been around, he would have advised you to watch Casino Royale and take some cue from James Bond. No no no Babaji, not Vesper. See this is why I say gurujis are so important to be around. They help keep you professionally focused. But I'm sorry that your guru had to go missing and to make it worse for you, the media suspects that you tried some sleight of hand to disappear him.

Uh! no Babaji we don't care about all this heresy as long as you keep giving us those heels over head calisthenics to keep us young so we make it hastily to our twilight and are replaced by genext who knows nothing about your drubbing at Ramlila Maidan.

uNbLoGging

I begin writing my blog today as I feel there was no better day or moment to do so earlier. The publications and the TV channels that I worked for, provided a wide platform for me to write. Now I have a couple of my own publications. But both are niche magazines focused on money management.

So I turn to uNbLoG to share my thoughts other than money. I hope I will soon get company here. Looking forward...

Cartoon courtesy: Mystic Art LLC